Motherhood + Who Alex Is

Y’all, it’s been a while. I promise I’m not trying to neglect this blog.

Stay with me because this post is probably going to be a little all over the place.

Right now, I’m navigating life without a therapist, and honestly? It feels like I’m just free-balling my way through everything. Last week at work, I did… a thing. Looking back, I can laugh at how ridiculous the whole situation was, but whew. It would probably help to unpack it with a therapist, but that’s not an option for me right now. So for now, I’m taking my time to process it, and maybe we’ll circle back to that story later.

When I first started this blog, I said I wanted it to be my soundboard and my accountability partner. So let’s be real: it’s May, and I haven’t lost a single pound. In fact, I’ve actually gained four.

[Insert Maury Povich run here]

And it’s not because I haven’t tried. The problem is that my “trying” hasn’t come with any real self-discipline or consistency.

At the same time, it took me a very long time to develop any kind of body positivity. Back in college, I started gaining weight after getting on Depo-Provera, and instead of buying clothes that fit, I refused to buy anything new as a way to punish myself for gaining weight. As you can imagine, that absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. I was steadily gaining weight while forcing myself to squeeze into clothes that no longer fit. It was such a toxic cycle.

Eventually, I lost the weight after coming off of it, plus another smooth 25 pounds after giving birth to my oldest. Then came the IUD after my third and final pregnancy, and somehow I gained another 40 pounds. I had it removed after two years and decided I was completely done with birth control. Then, getting diagnosed with PCOS last year was basically the icing on the cake.

So yeah, it’s been a roller coaster.

And while I’m not happy about being over 200 pounds, I’m also at a place in my life where I refuse to beat myself up the way I used to. No more negative self-talk. No more withholding clothes from myself as punishment. That mindset was so unhealthy.

Honestly, having daughters changed the way I speak to myself and the way I approach self-love. I would never want my girls to talk about themselves the way I’ve talked about myself in my own head. I don’t even keep a scale out in the house because I don’t want any of my kids obsessing over a number.

So this post is my accountability moment, just like I promised. Healthy Alexis bought the groceries and even picked up some new workout pants. I’ve also had to completely rethink the way I approach weight loss because my old methods are terrible for PCOS. But I’ve done my research, I feel prepared, and most importantly, I’m ready to be consistent.

One of the biggest reasons I’m excited to be back in Michigan is because I found a personal trainer I’m really interested in working with. But until then, Big Mama has to put in the work on her own and that’s okay.

I’m getting myself back on a sleep schedule, and I already have my Grow with Jo workouts lined up for the next week. I’m still figuring out exactly how I want to structure this series, but just know there will be weekly updates: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I feel like this post was definitely all over the place, lol. But if you made it this far, thanks for reading.

I think one of the biggest things I’m learning through all of this is that health, body image, and self-discipline look so different as we get older and go through different seasons of life.

So tell me: what’s something you’ve had to unlearn about body image, weight loss, or self-discipline over the years?

xoxo,

Alexis

---

If this post resonated with you, you’re always welcome to subscribe. I write honestly about anxiety, growth, motherhood, and the in-between moments.