Motherhood + Who Alex Is

Inspired by “I Hate the Way I Look Today” by RAYE from the album This Music May Contain Hope.

Sometimes we’re our toughest critic.

Currently, I give myself the ick.

In preparation for my sister’s bachelorette trip, I booked a hair appointment. I was so excited about my little boho knotless bob and the color I chose. But when my hairstylist turned my chair around at the end of my appointment, I was taken aback. I did not recognize myself. I was big as hell in that chair. Like, big as hell.

I got the immediate ick.

And I know you’re probably thinking, “Um, Alexis, don’t you have a mirror?”

Well, yes, I do. But still.

I’ve previously said this body does not feel like my own, and that is the absolute truth. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I hate it. Hate it.

I know I’ve talked about body positivity, loving yourself, and all that, but it truly is a day-to-day struggle. One minute I have all the self-love in the world, and the next, I feel huge.

I’ve struggled to look at myself this past week. I feel embarrassed. Gah. Is disgusted too strong of a word? Probably. We’ll stick with embarrassed.

If I’m being fair, there were moments during the trip when I felt good, too. There were moments when I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

I wore my arms out, and guess what? The world didn’t end.

I got dressed up on Saturday without stuffing myself into Spanx, and guess what? The world didn’t end then either.

Turns out, most people are too busy living their own lives to scrutinize my body the way I do.

Those moments may seem small, but they felt big to me. They reminded me that confidence isn’t about waiting until I reach a certain number on the scale. Sometimes it’s about showing up as you are and letting yourself enjoy the moment anyway.

Butttt this is not a pity party. Not completely.

I came back from the bachelorette weekend and jumped back into my workouts. One of my sisters recommended MyFitnessPal to help track my calories and eating habits. My, what a humbling experience. I did not realize I was eating that much. I do, however, think tracking my food will make a big difference.

I also restarted semaglutide. I tried it for three months and stopped because I gained five pounds. Consistency, though. That’s the word of the year. Doing all the things, consistently.

Writing this is a little embarrassing, but we’re in this journey together, babes.

So if you’re struggling like I am, it’s okay to have a moment of feeling down. Don’t stay there, though. Pick yourself up because we have goals to achieve!

So, in short: I’m working out, drinking my water, and making healthier food choices. It feels like a lot some days, but I can do hard things.

Most importantly, I’m still working on being kind to myself.

I did not intend to be so vulnerable, but if you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Tell me: What’s one thing you’re working on being kinder to yourself about these days?

xoxo,

Alexis

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